When I agreed to go to that first silent retreat, I must admit it was more out of a sense of duty. I thought it might please my wife if I attended such a Christian function. I thought it might relieve frustrations the Pastor might be feeling over an empty sign-up sheet. The first retreat was inspirational. Desire for solitude led me to a single room. I spent Friday evening reading and in prayer. 

     Next morning I decided to go for a walk. I loaded up my Walkman with the Bible on CD, and walked completely through Acts. On the way I started talking to God, I wouldn't call it praying, more like venting my frustrations:
 
Frustrations with my inadequacies in witnessing God's love to others.
Frustrations with my inability to understand and teach God's word.
Frustrations with unanswered prayers.
Frustrations with unanswered questions.
Frustrations with "Why can't I hear God talking to me? Other people say they hear God why can't I?"
Frustrations with the lack of strength in my own faith
 
     After all this venting I found myself back at the retreat house and my single room. What followed next I can only call the first time I honestly felt and heard God talking to me. I picked up the book I was reading, Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster, and on the very next pages were answers regarding most of what I had vented to God about, not 10 minutes ago. With a warm, eerie feeling I continued to read until early afternoon. After more praying, reading, and listening I decided to take another walk. This time I left my audio bible in the room, intent on listening for and to God.
 
      Listening through nature.
      Listening through spirit.
      Listening for any way God wanted to communicate with me.
 
     While walking, I imagined myself telling of this experience in various places: our men's group, the Elders, even behind the pulpit talking to the congregation. I would start off telling of my feelings of inadequacies, of a general feeling of unworthiness, of many frustrations, of being my own worst enemy, hung up on the negatives I constantly surround myself with. Then I did a complete reversal. I realized I was not unique. Many people all over this world have these same feelings of inadequacy, these same frustrations. 

     I'm certain, certain beyond a doubt that God could come down and grab us by the arms and physically, verbally, visibly, and directly answer all our questions, relieve all our frustrations! Is this going to happen? Probably not. But if we place ourselves in position to receive God's grace, give God our frustrations, our questions, God will answer. Maybe not in person but in a book, through scriptures, or through an individual placed in our path. These are God's instruments for us to use. Our accountability is to continue to feed this spiritual hunger inherent in all of us by picking up that book, that Bible, talking to the neighbor, showing compassion to others. 

     I had been rattling on for ten to fifteen minutes nonstop (an eternity for me), when I stopped and asked "where is all this coming from?" Of course I knew. These were not my words; they were God's words. I was but one of God's instruments. It was a chilly afternoon but my body temperature rose a few degrees. God was once again talking to me and I heard him! I was close to the house but not ready to stop. I wanted more. I turned around and headed back into the woods. That evening after worship I again retreated to my solitude; to my books, Bible, prayers.
 
     Sunday morning began early with an inspirational reading. The silence was broken. We all shared our experiences. Everyone had a different, but equally enriching spiritual experience. It was a very emotional time for all. We shared in a final breakfast, then as a group went for a walk in the woods before returning home.
 
     The silent retreat provided time to reflect on and reevaluate one's core values. God has blessed me with all I could have ever hoped for; a wonderful wife and family, and more material things than I deserve. In comparison to what God has given me, I have done little to help others. For the balance of what time the Lord gives me on this earth my goal is to live a life for the glory of God. In my business life, my personal life, and in my church life. Only God knows what God has in store for me, but I would like to explore the possibilities of various ministries both here at home and abroad.
 
                                               
God Bless,
Ron Haley, Elder - 1st Christian Church (Disciples of Christ), Nevada, Iowa